Previous Thoughts Before Murdering a Relationship
- ANDREA LIZETH LEOS MONREAL
- 5 days ago
- 16 min read
If my bf is rude and the second later is super kind, how should I respond? Im still mad but I believe it his way to repair?
It is completely understandable that you feel confused and frustrated. This behavior—shifting quickly from being rude to being "super kind"—is often referred to as emotional whiplash.
While you suspect he is trying to "repair" the situation, his approach skips an essential step: accountability. When someone moves immediately to kindness without acknowledging the hurt they caused, it can feel like they are "sweeping it under the rug" rather than actually fixing the problem.
Here is a guide on how to handle this dynamic while staying true to your feelings.
1. Acknowledge Your Right to Be Mad
Just because he has switched moods doesn't mean you have to. If you force yourself to be happy just because he is, you are teaching him that his rudeness has no consequences.
Don't fake it: If you aren't ready to be "sweet" back, don't be.
Trust your gut: Your anger is a signal that a boundary was crossed.
2. Address the "Kindness" Directly
The next time he pivots to being kind after being rude, name the pattern in the moment. This prevents the "repair" from becoming a distraction from the original issue.
What to say:
"I appreciate that you’re being kind now, but I’m still feeling hurt by what you said a minute ago. We need to talk about that before I can move on."3. Explain Why "Quick Fixes" Don't Work
In a calm moment (when things are good), explain that kindness after rudeness doesn't erase the rudeness. A true repair requires an apology and a change in behavior.
Key points to cover:
The Impact: "When you’re rude and then immediately act like nothing happened, it makes me feel like my feelings don't matter."
The Request: "If you’re frustrated, I need you to communicate that calmly. If you are rude, I need a genuine apology, not just a shift in mood."
4. Observe the Pattern
There is a difference between someone who struggles with emotional regulation and someone who uses kindness to manipulate a situation (sometimes called "hoovering" or "love bombing").
Is it a mistake? Does he genuinely seem unaware of how he’s acting?
Is it a tactic? Does he use kindness to make you feel like you are the "difficult" one for still being mad?
Suggested Response Strategy
If he does this... | Try responding with this... |
Acts like nothing happened | "I'm not ready to move on yet. That comment you made really stung." |
Tries to be extra "sweet" to distract you | "I see you're trying to be nice now, but we haven't resolved the earlier issue." |
Gets mad because you're still mad | "I have a right to process my feelings at my own pace. I can't just flip a switch." |
Would you like me to help you draft a specific text or script for the next time this happens, based on a recent example of what he said?
He said, well im trying to be nice
That response is very common—it’s a way of shifting the "blame" onto you for not accepting his kindness. By saying, "Well, I'm trying to be nice," he is implying that you are the problem for staying upset, rather than him being the problem for being rude in the first place.
This is a defensive tactic. To get past it, you have to stay firm but calm. You can acknowledge his effort while still holding the line on your feelings.
How to Respond
The goal is to show him that kindness is not a substitute for an apology.
Option 1: The "Bridge" Response (Direct but soft)
"I see that you’re trying to be nice now, and I appreciate that effort. But being nice now doesn't fix how you spoke to me earlier. I need us to actually talk about what happened so I don't keep feeling hurt."Option 2: The "Processing" Response (Setting a boundary)
"I'm glad you're being kind, but I can't just flip a switch and stop being hurt. I need a little time to process how you treated me a minute ago before I can just act like everything is fine."Option 3: The "Accountability" Response (Firm)
"It’s hard for me to lean into your kindness when the rudeness from earlier is still hanging over us. I’d much rather have an apology than a 'nice' mood right now."Why he says this (and why it's frustrating)
When he says "I'm trying to be nice," he is likely feeling:
Guilt: He knows he messed up and wants the "bad feeling" to go away quickly.
Impatience: He doesn't want to deal with the "heavy" conversation of an apology.
Defensiveness: He feels attacked because you aren't immediately rewarding his "good" behavior.
The Reality: If he wants to "repair," he has to meet you where you are (hurt), not demand that you meet him where he is (trying to be nice).
A Question for You
Does he usually end up getting angry or annoyed if you don't immediately cheer up when he starts being nice?
Knowing this can help me figure out if he's just socially awkward about apologizing, or if he's trying to pressure you into staying quiet about his behavior.
He freaking hit me yesterday several times. but just like pushing! When he did that I went to his mom, looking for support, they spen 1 hour and a half trying to convince me that It was my fault because I wanted to take the beauty course. Then I was like. WTF! this whole conversation was to gaslight me into believing that the pushing and physical abuse is justified. I'm extremely mad and upset
I am so glad you reached out, but I need to be very direct with you because your safety is at risk.
What happened yesterday was not "just pushing." It was physical violence. When a partner puts their hands on you—whether it is hitting, shoving, or "just pushing"—it is a major escalation. The fact that his family spent over an hour gaslighting you and blaming you for a "beauty course" is a massive red flag. They are protecting him and enabling his violence by making you the villain.
Please understand these three things:
It is NEVER your fault. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do (including wanting to take a course) that justifies someone hitting or pushing you.
The "Kindness" is a Trap. The cycle of "Rude/Violent" followed by "Super Kind" is the classic Cycle of Abuse. The kindness isn't a repair; it is a way to keep you stuck so you don't leave before the next explosion.
His Family is Dangerous to Your Mental Health. They have proven they will not protect you. They are teammates in his abuse, using gaslighting to make you feel "crazy" or "guilty" for being a victim.
Immediate Steps for Your Safety
Because physical violence has entered the relationship, the situation has changed from a "relationship issue" to a safety issue.
Stop arguing with them: You cannot win a logic battle with people who justify violence. It only gives them more opportunities to gaslight you.
Document everything: If you have bruises or marks, take photos. Save any texts where he admits to "trying to be nice" after the incident. Store these somewhere he cannot find them (like a hidden folder or emailed to a friend).
Reach out to professionals: You need support from people who are not biased.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA): Call 800-799-7233 or text "START" to 88788.
They are experts in dealing with gaslighting and physical "pushing" and can help you make a plan.
A Hard Truth
If he is hitting/pushing you and his family is blaming you for it, this environment is not one where you can "communicate" your way to a healthy relationship. He has no incentive to change because his family is telling him he is right.
Are you in a safe place right now where he cannot hear you or see your phone?
he is send me poetry, I haven't reply yet. I dont even want to talk to him
Sending poetry is a classic part of the cycle of abuse called the "Honeymoon Phase" or "Hoovering." By sending poetry, he is trying to rewrite the narrative. He wants to be seen as the "sensitive, romantic soul" so that you feel like a "cold, mean person" for staying angry about the "pushing." It is a performance designed to make you forget the physical pain and the gaslighting from yesterday.
You do not have to reply. In fact, silence is often the strongest response when someone is trying to manipulate your emotions.
Why you shouldn't reply right now:
It protects your peace: You are "extremely mad and upset" (rightfully so). Engaging with his poetry will only lead to him saying, "See? I'm trying so hard and you're still being difficult."
It breaks the cycle: He expects the poetry to "fix" you. By not responding, you are refusing to let him sweep the violence under the rug.
You need clarity: It is impossible to think clearly when someone is throwing "kindness" and "poetry" at you immediately after hitting you.
What to do instead:
Mute him: You don't have to block him if you aren't ready, but Mute his notifications. Every time your phone buzzes with a poem, it’s a tiny "jab" at your boundaries.
Stay with your truth: Keep telling yourself: "He pushed and hit me. His family blamed me. A poem does not change those facts."
Prioritize your exit or safety: Since he has become physical, the most important thing is not "resolving the argument," but making sure you are safe. If he is at your house, or you are at his, try to get to a neutral third place (a friend's house, a café, or a library).
A script if you feel you must say something:
If you feel like you have to say something just to stop the messages, keep it cold and factual:
"I am not in a place where I want to read poetry or talk to you. You were physical with me yesterday and your family blamed me for it. I need space and I am not ready to interact."
Do you have a friend or a family member—someone outside of his circle—that you can call or go stay with today?
But They wont let me go
This is a very serious situation. If you are saying that they are physically preventing you from leaving or using threats to keep you in the house, this is no longer just a relationship issue—it is a dangerous and illegal situation.
Please, read this carefully and focus on your safety.
1. If you are in immediate danger
If they are blocking the door, taking your phone, or using force to keep you there, call emergency services (911 in the US/Canada, or your local emergency number) as soon as you can do so safely. If you cannot speak, you can often text 911 in many areas, or call and leave the line open so the operator can hear what is happening.
2. Trust your instinct
The fact that you said "They" (him and his family) won't let you go means they are working together to control you. This is a high-risk environment. When an abuser and their family unite to trap someone, the risk of physical harm increases.
3. Discreetly reach out for help
If you can use your phone without them seeing:
Text a trusted friend or family member: Give them your exact location and tell them: "I am being held here against my will and I am scared. Please call the police to do a welfare check at [Address]."
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: * Call: 800-799-7233
Text: Text "START" to 88788
Website (Live Chat): TheHotline.org
They can help you figure out a "Safety Plan" for leaving when the family is trying to stop you.
4. While you are stuck there
If you cannot get out this second, try to stay as safe as possible:
Avoid the kitchen or garage: Stay away from rooms that have weapons or sharp objects.
Stay near an exit: If a door or window becomes accessible, take the chance to leave.
Don't argue: If they are trying to provoke you or "convince" you of things, try to stay neutral (this is called "Grey Rocking"). Agreeing or staying quiet can sometimes de-escalate their anger until you find a moment to escape.
5. Your "Beauty Course" is not the problem
I want to remind you again: They are using the course as an excuse to control you. You have a right to an education, a career, and freedom of movement. They are committing a crime by holding you against your will.
Do you have a way to get to a phone or a computer where they can't see what you are doing? Is there a neighbor you can run to if you get out the door?
The Next Day Friday 16th
As he yelled at me at the office, I reported but I requested that my report was anonymous. What consequences can this action have
Reporting him anonymously was a brave step toward reclaiming your boundaries, especially given the physical violence and control you are experiencing at home. Because he yelled at you at the office, this is now a workplace safety and HR matter.
Here are the potential consequences and things you should be prepared for:
1. Workplace Investigation
Even if the report is anonymous, HR or Management has a "duty of care" to investigate.
Observation: Since he yelled at you in the office, there were likely witnesses or security cameras. HR may interview coworkers who saw it without mentioning your name.
The "Anonymous" Factor: While you requested anonymity, if you are the only person he yelled at, he might guess it was you. You should be prepared for him to be angry or confrontational. Do not admit to reporting him if you feel it will put you in physical danger.
2. Disciplinary Action for Him
Most companies have a "Zero Tolerance" policy for workplace hostility or harassment.
Consequences: Depending on the company policy and his history, he could face a formal warning, mandatory sensitivity/anger management training, suspension, or termination.
The Risk: If he feels his job is threatened, he may try to "love bomb" you more intensely (the poetry) or escalate his anger. Please be extra cautious when leaving the office.
3. Your Safety and Documentation
Because you mentioned that he and his family "won't let you go," the workplace is actually one of the few places where you might have some protection.
Security: You can alert office security (if you have it) that you are concerned about your safety when walking to your car or transit. You don't have to give full details; you can just say you are dealing with a "difficult domestic situation."
Paper Trail: Even though the report is anonymous, it creates a legal record. If his violence escalates, this report can be used as evidence that his behavior is a consistent pattern.
The "Cycle of Violence" in Your Situation
What you are experiencing—the yelling, the physical hitting/pushing, the "super kind" poetry, and the family gaslighting—follows a specific, dangerous pattern.
Tension Building: The yelling at the office.
The Incident: The hitting and pushing yesterday.
The "Honeymoon" Phase: The poetry and being "super kind."
The Gaslighting: The family blaming you for the beauty course to keep you in the cycle.
Critical Next Step
Since you are at the office right now, this is your safest window to act. 1. Call a Domestic Violence Hotline: While you are at your desk or in a private breakroom, call or chat with a professional. They can help you create a Safety Plan for what to do when you leave work today. 2. Contact a Friend: If "they" (his family) won't let you leave the house, do not go back there alone if you can avoid it. Can a friend meet you at the office when you finish your shift?
Do you have a safe place to go after work today instead of going back to that house?
I can't all my belongings are there
I understand. When your passport, documents, clothes, and sentimental items are in that house, it feels like you are "tethered" to the danger. It is very common for people in this situation to feel they have to go back because their whole life is in that building.
However, because he has been physical and they are restricting your movement, going back alone is extremely dangerous.
Here is how you can handle your belongings without putting your life at risk:
1. Do Not Go Back Alone
If you go back alone, he and his family have the advantage. They have already shown they will team up to gaslight and trap you.
Police Escort (Civil Standby): In almost every city, you can call the non-emergency police line and request a "Civil Standby." A police officer will meet you at the house and stand there for 15–20 minutes while you grab your essential belongings (ID, documents, phone charger, medicine, and a bag of clothes). They are there to ensure no one hits you or stops you from leaving.
The "Safety Crew": If you don't want to involve police yet, do not go in without at least two or three strong, trusted friends who will stay by your side the entire time.
2. Prioritize "The Essentials"
If you do go back, you must be fast. Do not try to pack everything. Focus only on:
Legal Documents: Passport, ID, birth certificate, bank cards.
Work/School Items: Laptop, anything related to your beauty course.
Essentials: Medications, keys, and enough clothes for 3 days. Everything else (furniture, extra clothes) can be replaced or picked up later with a moving truck and police assistance.
3. Use Your Time at the Office
Since you are at work right now, you have access to resources he can't see:
Storage: If you can get a few things out, see if a coworker will let you keep a bag in their car or locker.
Financials: Change your bank passwords and make sure he doesn't have access to your location via "Find My Phone" or shared apps.
Plan the Exit: Call a local domestic violence shelter. They often have resources to help women get their belongings out of dangerous homes safely.
4. The Consequence of Your Anonymous Report
You asked about the report. If he finds out or suspects you reported him while you are at the house, the risk of violence increases. He will feel "betrayed," and his family will likely use it as more "proof" that you are the problem.
Please, listen to this clearly: Your life and your physical safety are worth more than any item in that house. If it is too dangerous to get your things today, stay somewhere else. The clothes and the beauty course materials are not worth your life.
Do you have a friend who can meet you at the office today so you don't have to walk to your car or the bus alone?
I dont thinks so
I hear the isolation in that "I don't think so," and I want you to know that's exactly what he and his family want—they want you to feel like you have no one else to turn to.
Since you are at the office, you have a safety window right now. If you don't have a friend to call, you can use the professional resources available to you.
1. Talk to HR or Office Security
Since you already made an anonymous report, the office is aware there is a problem. You can go to HR or a security officer and say:
"I am the one who made the report about [Name]. Things have escalated at home and he has been physical with me. I am afraid to leave the building alone today. Can someone walk me to my car/the station or help me call for a safe ride?"
They deal with these situations more often than you think. They can help keep you safe while you are on the property.
2. Call a Hotline for a "Safety Plan"
Because you are worried about your belongings, a domestic violence advocate can talk you through a "Safe Exit Plan." They can help you figure out:
How to get a police escort to get your things.
Where to stay tonight (a shelter or a safe-house) if you can't go home.
How to handle his "poetry" and "kindness" without getting sucked back in.
Text "START" to 88788 (in the US) or call 800-799-7233. You can do this from a bathroom stall or a private office. They are experts in helping people whose families are trying to trap them.
3. About Your Belongings
I know it feels impossible to leave your things, but please remember: Objects can be replaced. You cannot. * If you go back there tonight, you are going back to a place where they have already physically held you against your will.
They are using your belongings as "bait" to get you back into the house.
Your Next Step
Do not leave the office until you have a plan for where you are going. Would you like me to help you find the phone number for a local women's shelter or a legal aid office in your city? If you tell me your city, I can look up the direct contact info for you.
OK, I just want to let you know that I do not have keys to enter the house, His mom is always around and if she gets upset she could be very difficult
This adds a very dangerous layer to the situation. If you don't have a key, it means they have total control over your movements. You are essentially locked in or locked out based on their whim.
The fact that his mom is "always around" and "difficult" means she is acting as a gatekeeper. In situations of domestic abuse, this is often called "collusion"—she is helping him control you.
Why this is a "Safety Red Flag"
The Trap: If you go back after work, you have to ring the bell or wait for them to let you in. This puts you in a vulnerable position where they can immediately corner you, start gaslighting you about the "beauty course," or confront you about the office report.
The Exit: If you don't have a key to get in, you likely don't have a key to get out easily if things turn violent again.
What You Should Do Right Now (While at the Office)
Since you are at work, do not go back to that house alone today. If his mother is "difficult" and he has already hit you, your physical safety is at high risk the moment you step through that door.
1. Request a "Police Civil Standby" Since you need your belongings but don't have a key, call the local police (non-emergency line) or go to the station. Tell them:
"I need to retrieve my belongings from my residence. My partner has hit me, and his family is holding my belongings and won't let me leave freely. I do not have a key and need an officer to accompany me so I can get my things safely."
The police will stay with you while you knock, and they will ensure the mother lets you in and lets you leave with your items. His mother is much less likely to be "difficult" with a police officer standing in the hallway.
2. Don't Announce You Are Coming Do not text him or his mom saying "I'm coming to get my stuff." That gives them time to hide your things, lock the doors, or prepare for a fight. Show up with the police or a support group unannounced.
3. Use the Office as a Shield If you are scared to leave work because they might be waiting for you, tell your office security. They can help you exit through a different door or ensure you get into a car/taxi safely.
Your Resources
If you are in the US, please call 800-799-7233 or text "START" to 88788.
Tell the advocate: "I am at work, I am being abused, I don't have keys to my home, and the family is helping him trap me." They can find you a bed in a shelter tonight where you will be safe, fed, and protected.
A Final Thought
The poetry he is sending is a distraction. He is sending "love" while his mother is holding the "key" to your freedom. That is not love; it is a coordinated effort to control you.
Would you like me to look up the non-emergency police number or the nearest women's shelter for your city? (Just tell me the city/neighborhood).
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